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In the past, I’ve been reluctant to share occurrences that seem supernatural in origin. For one,  when others had spiritual experiences and I didn’t, I felt left out and even bummed a bit that I hadn’t had such an encounter and I never want to put that feeling on someone else. Secondly, when I did have a sacred moment happening, I didn’t ever want to come off as “look at me, look at me, I’m so righteous!” We all know that is more damaging than encouraging. Third, often times these “encounters” are lab created, by that I mean the church tries to create a “Holy Spirit” moment by setting a stage, instead of it being gifted to individuals as needed….But I’m going to set all of this aside and share an experience that sincerely and tearfully humbled me to a place of quiet repentance a few weeks ago. I am in no place to teach ANYTHING, and I’m not sharing as a way to produce an echo chamber reaction. Its simply to show how El Roi truly is the God who sees me, and in a desperately painful instant, he can call us back. 

Many of you know that for a few years,  I considered myself a “hopeful atheist.” I wanted God to be real, but my logical brain wasn’t having it,  I was so worn down, I lost myself and my faith.  Well, a few months ago, with the help of a few good books, a few good conversations with friends, and some personal audits of where I currently was in my life, my eyes were beginning to open, bit by bit. As I was opening my heart to believe again, I started watching different lectures and teachings. Sitting on the couch, early one morning, as my children were still sound asleep, I put on a teaching.  I was silently lamenting the time I’d lost to suffering “alone” and how my big girls had been a witness to such depression. My heart was breaking and it needed to. At that time, Mr. Jim (the teacher) made a statement that I tearfully jotted into my notes. He said, “Sometimes, the greatest curse, is the blessings you don’t even know you missed.” Ouch, salt on my wounds. As I typed this statement out, a shofar (trumpet) sound blasted at the window behind me. I paused the video,  jumped up and checked outside, no one was there, no cars passing by, my kids were sound asleep, it was at MY window. I was shook and I tried to make sense of it, I sat back down and pushed play on the teaching.  I kid you not, Mr. Jim’s next lines were, “The Lord told them, You will be scattered, You will be lost, 

You will lose every bit of connection with me, BUT—-there will be a voice, a moment, a memory and it will call you back, and there I will lift you up and call you by name. I will BLAST THE SHOFAR  to the corners of the earth and I WILL CALL YOU BACK TO GREEN PASTURES, if you repent- I will let you come back.”

Friends, I sobbed, I cried out in gratitude. I knew this message was exactly where I was supposed to be and I heard exactly what I was suppose to hear. 

*Recap: I hear a shofar, I pause the video. I find nothing, and when I unpause the video the teacher explains that the Lord warns his followers, but he also declares he will blast a shofar to call them back to Him. Silenced by Awe. 

My mind wanted to reduce it down. I am, by nature,  a reductionist. I wanted to think it was the new water heater or my dog or something outside. But it wasn’t. It was a shofar blast and it was right at my window. 

From this point forward, I  began the journey of naming my sin and repenting of it. Years ago, I genuinely couldn’t figure out what I needed forgiveness of, my brain believed I was already pretty sanctified——-but now the list is large. My journey has humbled me in a way that indoctrinated Stacy never could’ve been. I NEED *Him. And, *He sees me. 

Still Small Voice

If you’re real then where are you?

And if you’re real, then how could you?

Why do you abondon us, leave us in the hands of our mental warfare, it’s unjust of you and I don’t think I can trust you

I remember falling face down before you…all I wanted was to adore you, but you said yourself it wasn’t enough and now I don’t think I can trust you

I made myself open the blinds, unlocked the door then stepped outside and all I found was me

Yes, all I found was me

I broke the rocks, called upon the wind, fell to my knees from the earth quaking, I built a fire inside a cave, but you never spoke my name, I sat and listened anyway

Then in the silence I heard someone speak, it was a still small voice and the voice was me

This shit used to mean something  But Elijah it was your voice, baby

Fall to my knees scared to try to breathe. My own voice was foreign to me

If you’re real, where are you?

And if you’re real, how could you?

You leave us in these dark places  it’s chemical warfare behind the  Traces of lines on my many faces

And I don’t think I can trust you

Written by: Stacy Johnson 7-4-19, cycle day 9 Mother/maiden