God is the Nothingness that holds this all together.
Intrusive
I’ve known the depths of despair
Resting on my way from the bed to the shower
On the back of an armchair
“What am I still doing here…”
A pain so intense
My toothbrush, too heavy to lift
And to look myself in the mirror could mean my death
“All I am is nothingness…”
And then the energy finally comes for me to wash my hair
I sit on the shower floor and breathe in the humid air
Holding on
my chest pressed to my knees
Please please please
I need relief
Breathe breathe breathe
“If something in me doesn’t change, I’m going to have to leave…”
What have I done?
What can I do?
This cannot be the way to see this life through
But I don’t wanna be here for even another minute
I’m too far gone to hear my Inner Spirit
Knock knock knock
3 taps on the door
“Momma, whatcha been in there so long for?”
“Oh nothing much, baby, is going on in here,
Just needed a quiet place to send God my prayers”
Using a towel to dry my face
Her voice- the Holy Spirit’s Whisper that I must stay
“Even if it’s just for one more day…”
Your DNA Remembers
- When I left home and moved to Pennsylvania, I was drawn to Quakerism. Something so sacred and simple as minding the Light, accepting and celebrating that there is that of God in everyone, and sitting in an expectant silence, was exactly what my spirit needed during that time of change and uncertainty. Years later, I would find out that my recent ancestors were, in fact, Quakers who settled near the Pennsylvania and Maryland border in the late 1600s. At the same time that I was settling into PA, I learn my very own ancestors had the same journey hundreds of years earlier…. That was some Holy Spirit movement, y’all.
- Years passed, and I stoked the embers of my faith. I listened to the Silence and then I heard the call of the Seasons. I began to notice that naturally I was attuned to vibrancy with summer, spring, and sun. And, I retreated with an anxious longing during winter, autumn, and gray skies. I became increasingly aware that my body cycles with the moon phases. My energy is INTENSE at the full moon and then as night grows darker, so do I sleep better and longer. As I embraced myself as a seasonal being, the voice of ancient woman was able to come through. She, the Sacred She— was wildly in tune with the seasons of earth, the phases of the moon, and the role they play in Her Very own body.
- I began to realize that at the SAME TIME that the ancient Hebrews were hearing from God, so too, were other people groups, other cultures— those who embraced the divine feminine, those who lived in matriarchal constructs heard from God too. I allowed myself to honor the Divine Feminine within me, and I praised the Knowledge that God just might have been speaking to all these ancients folks in ways their culture could make space for and that perhaps, it WAS ALL divinely inspired and worthy of my attention. It was at this time, I decided to bring representation of God as female into my home. My children needed to see the full spectrum of the divine, and that included the sacredness of woman. By celebrating the sacred sister in me, I was honoring my ancestors, my blood and it wasn’t until years later, I learned that my ancient ancestors were partakers in worship of the divine feminine. When I say “Our DNA remembers,” this is what I mean. If you allow yourself the physical space and the head space to Listen to your own voice within (it takes a while to learn your own voice and not your conditioning) You Will hear the voice of your ancestors calling to you. It’s this place, that may grant you a faith that doesn’t silence parts of your soul, but allows you to embrace ALL aspects of the divinely inspired You. Your DNA remembers, friends… Trust it, your ancestors did.
She’s Not Well
Why do I hate me the most?
Why is the voice in my head of demons not ghosts?
Waking up to music playing in the air vents
And I know they are here visiting again
It’s gonna be a long night
A dance with the devil
Will I silence his knocking
Or smile and say, “Welcome”
It’s going to be a long night
Sending that same text, “I am scared”
Trusting your reply, “Babe, it’s all in your head.”
While my body is drug down under our bed…
Maybe down here, I can finally sleep safe
Picture myself inside of the grave
Listen as they shovel buckets of dirt
It’s a lovely sound as it means no more hurt
Thud after thud, a melody quite like rain
Peaceful and steady, then muffled refrain
Graveyards are places that I always did like to sleep
It’s completely silent, just echoes of time before me
What a comfort it is to just hear nothing
It’s been years since I slept in silence and peace.
But then I come to and I’m still under my bed and the tapping and voices are not in my head
See, my ancestors, my blood—-they knew of this side of life
So some pulled the trigger, some just ran to hide
But looking through pictures I can see it in their eyes, and eyes do not lie-no eyes do not lie
I go on, day in and day out, trying to pray the voices won’t start to shout
People in town say, “We heard she was ill.” And Momma replies, “No, she’s doing well.”
But the inner dialogue started when I was so small, the knowing I’m not worthy to be great, not at all
When they told me stories I really did listen, no half-hearted sentiments, I knew parts of me were missing
Now, I take a pill each morning in my kitchen, to mask the volume of the dark weight that settles in my system
All my life they warned me, “Be careful, the devil wants to get you..”
And I answered them, “At least someone does,” as I pulled my curtains to….
Spiral Dance
In matters of faith, I have not come full circle. I HAVE spiraled in my cycle of living. This means, as I journey along, I pass over the tops of the places I’ve been. Like a treasure pack full of knowings that I carry on my back, I add to myself. It is possible to take pieces of your past understandings, add to it the good and the beautiful, and remove from it it-that which no longer serves you. It makes the journey that much easier, to remove the weight of baggage not needed…. The evolution of self involves SO much actualization, so much reflection, so much seeing behind what’s visible. You HAVE to be able to ask, why am I doing this? Why do I believe this? How did I come to the routines of life I’m currently partaking in and are there other options I’ve never considered? You have to ask yourself, where are my biases? And then do the research behind the research. I am grateful for my spiral dance. I am grateful that what I know of God/Source/Love, is that I get to cycle through many times over the places I’ve been, submerging myself in the knowings of my past, and emerging as the culmination of my sacred experiences here and now. I am allowed to dip my feet in the waters of change while the waves of the past wash over me and fade away, leaving only the drippings needed to hydrate my soul. This is the evolution of me and I don’t need anyone’s permission or approval.
#icanlovegod
#lgbtqally
#BlackLivesStillMatter
#idontbelievewhatsontv
#SocialMediaIsMindControl
#smashthepatriarchy
#jesuswasjewishnotwhite
#jesusloathedtheestablishment
#godisbiggerthenthebible
#feminismcanhelpendabuse
#thereisalwaysmorebehindthescenes
#idontbelievethehype
#idontneedyourapprovaltobeme
Meditation
I like to wake with the sun
sit alone and listen to the birds tell their stories
I like to watch each of my thoughts escape from my grasp,
They float off on the breeze, and I smile as they pass
I am not my thoughts, I am the consciousness behind them
This is important work for me, this sitting in silence
I have to accept that believing what my thoughts tell me, would lend itself in the long run
to a deep rooted misunderstanding about the nature of me
See Someone told me once, that I was a sinner—-that I was in need of saving, and that my own being was so corrupt,
so contaminated
that I could not be trusted to save myself
I believed it, oh-how completely and fully I believed it, I built my whole life around it
Every single day, I placed my value and my worth in the hands of another and I believed that following the paths laid before me, was the way of love, all the while, not loving myself
Then, I started to look at the brave ones, the greats, the ones history tells us to trust, and I started to see that unlike brainwashed me, they’d stepped out on their own, they’d branched off from their crowds, they’d left the comforts of that which had always been for them, to pave a way to what could be
And they did it alone at first
And each and every journey they took, began with getting to know silence
——-I’ve heard it said before that sometimes the quiet is violent
And I’ll agree
The inner work that has to be done to undo Every Single False Belief you ever let sit in your psyche because someone before you planted it there, will break your fucking bones
But, YOU can and YOU will put them back together
And when you do, NO ONE will ever be able to deny the radiance that is and always was YOU, from the moment you were born—there was no magic age when suddenly you went from worthy to unworthy—-you, simply by being here were enough all along
NO ONE will affect you with their thoughts or their beliefs about you………or themselves
For you, you see right through it
And you understand that Somebody Somewhere told them about their condition and they believed it and they chose it, and they’ve made it work for them-so they built a life around it, and it’s comfortable, and you remember what that’s like….
But never do you wish it for yourself again
Because as for me, I like to wake with the sun
Sit alone and listen to the birds tell their stories
I like to watch each of my thoughts escape from my grasp
They float off on the breeze, and I smile as they pass
And, I am not my thoughts, I am the consciousness behind them
When I Go
Sit with me when I go
Til deep in your bones you know
That I am gone
This is to help you lean into your grief
You will not find closure
There is no such thing
Take all the time you need
Watch me in my endless sleep
Letting all our memories
Drip down your cheeks
Remember my voice
And the way that I’d speak
Listen
You will still hear me
Touch my hair
Hold my hand
As I grow cold
It’ll help you understand
That I came and I went
And that its okay
That that was it
And you still greet the day
That’s how it should be
Time rolls along
with or without me
Take in the Sun
Behold the Moon
You too, will be here soon
I am not afraid
I am not alone
I am simply no more
Hold on to who I was
Let go of who I’ll never be
Send silent praise
That I’m a part of your history
You are the best parts of me
I am free
I am free
1-9-20 (mother)
A soul journey
You ever wish you could go back in time and hug your ancestors. Look at them eye to eye and tell them all that’s become of their lineage, thanking them for granting you the chance to be here now. This morning, I spent time thinking about my great great grand-pa. He had kidney disease as a young man and spent most of his adult life in extreme pain. My great-grandma was nearly seven, sitting in a one room school house when she heard the gun shot echo through town. She knew it was her Daddy. I think about him and her. I recall the tellings of how he’d tried to prepare them, tried to make sure they understood they’d be better off with him gone, because townsfolk don’t like “lazy men.” My great great grand-pa could not work as a result of his condition and because of those things, he chose to leave this life, hoping someone would come along and be what he couldn’t. He was right…Today, I let my mind imagine myself, meeting him. I put my hands on his face and thanked him for staying as long as he did. I apologized to him, that the technology we have now, wasn’t available then, and I explained that I too, have had some kidney troubles and I cannot begin to imagine the depths of misery with no pain medication available, no surgery, no hope to an end of the suffering. I hugged him and we cried when I told him I know why he had to go, and that he showed great love, the self-sacrificing kind, and that his blood line is filled with happy healthy people. I gave his hand a final squeeze and we grinned-both in the closed mouth way we do… Then, the image faded and I opened my eyes to now, tears seeping from the corners of my eye-lids. I’m grateful to be here right now. And I’m forever in gratitude to my ancestors and the stories about them that I will never know, but that my DNA remembers…
Glass Jars, Moonlight, and Intention
It was the night of a final full moon- the decade had been so long,
She’d had enough, done calling all bluffs, time to sing her old new song
So she stepped outside
And lit fire
To all the pages
All the phases
All the stages
All the faces
That didn’t serve her, and didn’t deserve her
Dropping them into to a jar made of glass
She watched as the water turned from clarity to ash
Shattered.
Something within her broke.
Held up her arms in the darkness and the smoke—
Yelled, “Moon-do your Work!
Can’t take another minute of sitting with this hurt.”
Closed her eyes, closed the door, closed the blinds
Turned on reality, turned off the lies
Sometimes the words come, without having to try
Then there she was, 15 year old me
Little blonde head, fairy wings, and big dreams
She said, “Stacy, you’re still me, and now you’re strong enough to set some boundaries. Only you can set you free.”
Climbed into my own baptismal bath
Soaking in the brokenness of the pain in my past,
Let the salty water, burn my wounds clean
Let the voices from within rectify me
I’m calling on you, You, the someone deep within
The one who holds the echos of my loved ones, my friends
I’m calling on You, to come and give me the words
The courage
The boldness that screams
You don’t deserve this, and you never did
I’m calling on You, for gentle wisdom in my bones
The kind that only comes when you refuse to throw stones
Help me be gentle, but HARSH
Leaving no room for longing in the dark
Help me speak every word with extreme accuracy
Leaving not a single gap for crazy-making
I have been silenced, but only we know
Time to break curses and time to let go
A thousand ancestors lifted me up out of the bath. Woundedness dripping off me, time to speak out the past
Leaving puddles of yesterday, down the wooden floor path, each drop holding memories of rage released on me in wrath
Yes, It was time enough, I was coming for me, Nobody else could do this work- if I were to ever be free
Didn’t need another soul, just the girl that I had been
Before I picked up his darkness and made it my friend
Phone rang. I began to speak, Unveiling Every Action that’d ever hurt me
Like the glass jar soaking in the moonlight illuminating every burnt trait that I’d accepted in my life
The moonbeams read them out to me, so I spoke them loud and clear, And each time I said, “No More,” a wound would disappear
Something spiritual was happening as I spoke my own worth over me, I was untangling the ethereal cord that had been attached from him to me
Finally, I could hand it back, Said, “I think this belongs to you.” I can try to help you unravel yourself
But I won’t carry it all for you, you’ll have to be the one to see this work through
I will not bear the weight of your wounds, I am not the reason for your pain
And all this time instead of healing yourself You poured your poison into my veins
I’ve choked on it, drowned in it, trying to get myself back to me, trying to come up for air from the pools of rage you spew at me
And if you’ll admit that you need help, Then we can find who you’re suppose to be
Before you were wounded, before you had bruises, before darkness called your name
I will stand beside you, but YOU have to lean into your pain
And, I am not your pain.
I. Am. Not. Your. Pain.
But I can be your full moon clarity, And we’ll call each wound by name. Call every single broken piece out until you are free from them,
We’ll watch every ash and ember that rises into the night, cause we know healing comes when we set our intentions in the glow of the full moonlight.
In Vain
Help me understand this-
I’m calling on you,
Yes, again—I’m calling on you
Speak to me, please
Quiet tears seep
And I just need your anything
Are you listening?
Can’t you see my cries?
Can’t you see that calling out for you has become my demise?
But I will keep on,
Cause its all I know to do
And my tears will seep on because of no response from you
Does it break your heart to watch me plead?
Does it break your heart to withhold from me?
Or are you just not there,
So why should I care?
I’ve been wired to believe
You’re just a bit out of my reach
And I hang on just enough
To know not to call your bluff
When I see someone claim
That you’re holding them
I can’t help but call on you completely in vain
Then I sit and I wait
I sit and I wait
Eager like a child listening for magic to arrive
And I have been a good girl
So why do you hide
Can’t you see that calling out for you has become my demise
These people say you speak to them, its got to be a delusion
Either that or a chosen confusion
Cause even when I was truest of trues
Peace came at the moment that I would choose
I loved having something to call on
Even better was someone to fall on
But reality is, it was in my head
Nothing concrete but a neurotransmitters release
It did what I needed
Filled up the gaps of my synapses and also of my pleading
My brain won’t allow cognitive dissonance anymore
So today I sit here on the floor
Asking again, which way do I go to get closer to you?
Nowhere,
because I am speaking to the air?
With Every tear
Every prayer
It becomes clear
Either you’re withholding from me
or
You’re
Just
Not
There
By Stacy Johnson 8/3/19
Singing Over My Bones 